Some Thoughts on Men at Births!
This from an e-mail exchange I had yesterday:
Hey Heather
I have a few musing of my own on the issue of fathers at births.
I wouldn’t say as others have, “I never could have done it without him” because quite frankly, I’m sure I could have done it without my husband there!I wonder if the issue isn’t whether or not men are at birth, but what may be a hindrance in some situations is that the dynamics change when there are TWO men present while a woman births. I think dad may have some extremely awkward feelings he can’t bring to the surface, and certainly can’t verbalize:
-I’ve never been so excited! But I don’t want to cry in front of this other man!
-That dude has his hand in my wife’s vagina. I’m watching this other man touch my wife’s private parts! I don’t like it but I can’t do anything about it! I feel like I’m being forced to watch her be raped.
-My wife just farted in front of another man. I’m so embarrassed.
-I can’t show embarrassment in front of this dude.
-I’m scared but can’t let him see how nervous I am. He’s so cool and calm.
-I feel useless. Doc’s the hero. *I* want to be the hero, this is MY wife.
-This is messy and slimy and I don’t like another man being here.
-She’s pushing and she’s … well… it’s her ‘ugly’ face. I don’t want this dude to think my wife’s ugly.
-Those sounds she’s making… I’ve only heard those sounds come out of her when we have sex. My wife is making sex sounds while this other man has his hands in her vagina.
-I have a son! I want to cry! I’m a father! I have to be cool, though, because he’s here.
-That’s my son! What’s he doing with my son? I want to protect my wife and child, but I’m not in charge here!The mother’s responds to her partner’s awkwardness. She senses his discomfort, which makes her uneasy which hinders her birth, and that’s why things sometimes go smoothly when he leaves. All the negative energy is gone, and the energy in the room focuses on her and her labor.
But, everyone blames the “blood” and “mess” for making fathers uncomfortable.
Sheila Stubbs
I learned the hard way to Birth the Easy Way!
www.birthingtheeasyway.com
And my reply(with some added eloquence, because I’m a goddess and I get to edit myself ;o):
Fabulously right Sheila! I’m laughing and nodding and saying oh yes, so true! My darling superhero was probably terrified at my first birth because it was well, my first birth! Also I had 4 strangers yelling and holding my legs up in the air, while I’m flat on my back with an oxygen mask over my face and then they asked if I wanted a mirror to see the baby crown! I’m in the most traumatic position you could possibly be in for a totally natural vaginal birth, and they want me to enjoy the view? yikes! darling superhero was freaked!(but recovered nicely because he’s a superhero- did I mention that?) But during our unassisted birth he dove right into the pool and made the catch himself (my hands didn’t reach as I put on 90 pounds (good gracious!) I agree I could have totally done it without him, but it was nice to have his calm presence there!
xox,
Heather
Perhaps the fear and trauma that some men exhibit after the birth, are a result of the hospital practices and not the actual birth itself?
this musing is kind of related to this musing:Michel Odent Didn’t Write the Article!
mamaof5 said,
April 30, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
I like what you said alot better then what sheila said. I don’t think my hubby is grossed out or worried about another man seeing me with an “ugly” face or making “sex noises”. Maybe the protector part. And he sure as hell wasn’t worried about crying cuz he just cried and cried (it was very sweet). Maybe it is just that some doctors (male and female) disempower (sp) families. Make the mom and husband feel stupid and work on their fears of death of their baby. They make certain things a mystery (a friends wife was in labor things “happened” and he was sent to the hallway while they “did stuff” to save her and the baby. He was left scared and alone in the hallway waiting for his wife and baby to die. Neither did). And when they fuck up they don’t cop to it. Niece had an eipderal with baby #3 (she had them with all of the really) it was placed to high and turned up to high, she ended up having labor stopped and had to be given lasix because she went in to pulimary edema. They almost intubted. BUT does she think “Crap they screwed up!” NO it is thank god I was in the hospital. I could have died. LOL The doctors coming in saying “you may now give birth… but do it quickly I have shit to do” the hole power crap that goes on.
The whole system is so screwed up and most moms and dads are to scared to do something else… because all they see and hear is terrifying birth stories. Why is there no show on TV that shows calm, relaxed beautiful births? They happen I had them myself. I had 5 of them. But then that is what I wanted and I would settle for no less.
Heather in Tucson
wiffersnapper said,
April 30, 2008 @ 6:17 pm
I noticed the influence of TV births when talking to my middle school students about my impending labor… they all thought that having a baby meant hours of total agony and lots of screaming and yelling. I told them that screaming was a waste of energy! TV needs drama to be interesting- who wants to watch a calm, quiet woman happily giving birth to a calm, happy baby? How boring!
I’ve always used midwives, so my husband has never had to watch a man touch his wife’s private parts. And I’ve never asked him how he’d feel about that!
northernmama said,
April 30, 2008 @ 10:03 pm
I am so glad i had midwives, and gave birth at home. And that my beloved was there, with me for every minute of the 9ish hours - hardly a marathon of agony, it was pretty great, really. His comment: every father should witness the primal power of the mother. He counts himself lucky to have been part of his daughter’s arrival in this world for a lot of reasons - not least as an engineer, marveling at how well designed humans are, how well the birth process works.
I don’t know how he’d have felt about another man being there - myself i might have become physically violent had some strange man tried to touch my crotch while i was birthing. (I seem to recall swearing at the head midwife at one point, one of the seemingly million times she wanted to check. my progress.
Funny, scary, sad, infuriating, watching tv births, and also hearing stories from friends birthing in hospital. I also recall feeling both annoyed and wildly amused at the dimly heard voices telling me i wasn’t ready to push - i could slightly hear them, but my daughter’s voice was much louder, telling me it was time, and she was right.
And for me, her father being there was grand. We had a ball.
(how grand is it to have this site! i’m in awe of you all)
northernmama said,
April 30, 2008 @ 10:06 pm
I am so glad i had midwives, and gave birth at home. And that my beloved was there, with me for every minute of the 9ish hours - hardly a marathon of agony, it was pretty great, really. His comment: every father should witness the primal power of the mother. He counts himself lucky to have been part of his daughter’s arrival in this world for a lot of reasons - not least as an engineer, marveling at how well designed humans are, how well the birth process works.
I don’t know how he’d have felt about another man being there - myself i might have become physically violent had some strange man tried to touch my crotch while i was birthing. (I seem to recall swearing at the head midwife at one point, one of the seemingly million times she wanted to check. my progress.
Funny, scary, sad, infuriating, watching tv births, and also hearing stories from friends birthing in hospital. I also recall feeling both annoyed and wildly amused at the dimly heard voices telling me i wasn’t ready to push - i could slightly hear them, but my daughter’s voice was much louder, telling me it was time, and she was right. And our midwives did their job so well - there to be ‘with the woman’(mid/wife) and empower my full engagement, getting out of the way also being a skill they value.
And for me, her father being there was grand. We had a ball.
(how grand is it to have this site! i’m in awe of you all)
mamaof5 said,
May 3, 2008 @ 5:36 am
My husband was also amazed by my power and strenght after giving birth, and I was too for that matter. It is so shocking to me how easily we are trained to give that up. Giving birth was one of the single most empowering moments of my whole life (all 5 of them… especially #5 which I did UC). I realized that my body ROCKED! And on top of it I could MAKE MILK! What a freakin’ miracle the female body is!
Heather in Tucson