Why in the World is the world like this?

November 3, 2006 at 9:39 am · Filed under MUSINGS, evolving, family values

I’m gearing up for a whole series of these, but wanted to give you a space to talk amongst yourselves about ‘why in the world’?

8 Comments »

  1. mamaof5 said,

    November 3, 2006 @ 2:22 pm

    It is almost too much to think about. Is it all about money? Is it all about making it “easier” for parents? I mean if you don’t have to hold or feed your child, you have spend an awful lot of money to not do that.
    I made a list once of all the things you REALLY need when you have a baby… two working breasts, some yards of fabric, some absorbent cloth, two loving arms, and a space in the bed. Now you can spend as much or as little as you want on a sling and diapers, but really I bet people could get by with a total of $150.00 on everything, and most of it is free. Which industry could make a lot of money off of each child costing $150.00 at most?
    Anyway, that is my musing for right now. I gotta go a feed the kidlets.
    Heather in Tucson

  2. sheepdoc said,

    November 3, 2006 @ 7:36 pm

    It the pitocin. And the sesire not to have to be responsible.
    Read Dr. Odent’s work - when pitocin isn’t available to mother and infant at birth (and synthetic pitocin decreases real pitocin and of course non-labor c/s have 0 pitocin) then the brain is never physically wired to love.
    Now the great thing is we can overcome many physical difficulties and we, esp. newborns, have an amazing capacity to heal but the fact remains that w/o that pit at crucial moments we don’t physically have the ability to love others or ourselves or anything(environent, etc) as much as we should. You can’t put 8oz in a 6oz glass it doesn’t fit. So say you take the induction and you become the 6oz glass and you love your child w/ every bit of your being that is 6oz of love. I choose not to go near a hospital or OB and therefore am a 14oz glass, maybe I don’t love my kids w/ every bit of my being, maybe I only love my kids 1/2 as much as mom #1 but 1/2 of 14 is 7oz which is 1oz more love than the pit mom is capable of.
    Hope that makes sense - the problem is we can’t yet quantify love (though I am sure in our hubris we will try and make a hugh botched job of it!)
    The other thing I see which fits w/ C.C. is that a lot of people are still in the child state of not wanting to be responsible. I talked to one mom 5months preg. and it was really clear to me she wants her husband and OB to make all the decisions. I think she’d be satisfied w/ a dead baby as long as she could say, “I did what I was told.” Really scares me to think she will be rasing a child soon. I mean she was working 6 days a week even though she was exhausted because, “My husband doesn’t want me to stay home and get fat.” Did I mention her dad gave her breast implants when she was 16 and she is THIN!!!
    Long rant -sorry we saw the ped today for 2yr and 4yr check ups and came home to the Dr. Jokes.
    -Lori

  3. mamaof5 said,

    November 3, 2006 @ 11:23 pm

    Ok so I have been mulling this over some more… cuz I seem to have time on my hands today. LOL
    I think it could be that for a majority of people it is a lack of confindence. And you have these people whom you trust (Drs, major companies, books, etc) telling you you need A, B and C oh and maybe D, E and F to be a “good” parent. And all your friends are doing it, and even if it feels wrong deep in your bones you still are so unsure of yourself that you do all those things anyway. I mean why else would you spend money on creepy fake hands when you have two real ones to hold your baby with? Is it because you don’t care about your child? Of course not, you just spent $70.00 on fake hands.
    I was on a website and there was a mom wanting to be able to get her 5 month old to sleep thru the night, because some silly book and some “doctor” said that a 5 month old baby is more than old enough to sleep thru the night and that that child is just being difficult. She had every aspect of this babies life totally scheduled, down to his 6 bfing sessions a day. Was she a bad mom? Did she not love her baby? I think she loved him loads, but she had no faith in herself or her parenting. She had no faith that her baby would let her know what he needed. She was deperate to get him to fit into this little box of sleeping, eating, playing, yada, yada. She even went so far as to say to the advice giving DR that she knew not to cuddle or hold him, or rock him to sleep. Not cuddle a baby… and know that, why would anyone want to know that? I still don’t think she is a bad mommy, but total blinded by what is “right” what her baby needs to be doing… IE sleeping. She doesn’t trust that her body is producing milk, she doesn’t trust that her baby will sleep eventually on his own, she doesn’t even trust that she can never love on him too much.
    I was/am so desperate to hold my kids by the time I am due that all I do is hold them for months and months. They sleep with me for years and are on my breast for years. I wasn’t always this confident. But I did follow my gut alot in the early years. I knew that if I needed to sleep with someone and I am a big old grown up that maybe a little helpless baby may need that same thing too. I knew that if I wanted my breast to make more milk, I just let the kid nurse as much and as long as they wanted. My dd (who is now 12) slept on my chest for every nap for her first year of life (when I was not working outside the home)people were forever telling me to put her down, I was going to spoil her. I disagreed. I loved holding her. I loved feeling her breath on my neck and her heart beat in my chest. Now I am pregnant with my last baby. I am sad and happy about this. I am happy I get to do it one more time, and sad that it is our last time.
    I just want to scream… HOLD YOUR BABIES! they don’t stay little for long, soon they are grown up and don’t want to nap on your chest or sleep in your bed. They don’t nurse until college no matter what Grandma says. They learn to use the potty, they eat everything put in front of them (my dd is a vaccum for food, and was once a super picky eater) if you hold them all the time, they still learn to venture out on their own… they just know you will be their to help them out.
    Forget all the gizmos and extras, give your babies YOU! That is all they need. Nothing else. No teddybears that smell like mom… give them MOM, no fake creepy hands… give them your hands, no boxes that sound like heartbeats… hold them to your chect, no milk that is “just like moms” actually give them your milk.
    Goodnight and give your kidlets a great big smoochy and a hug that lasts all night long.
    Heather in Tucson

  4. Julinda said,

    November 7, 2006 @ 12:03 pm

    Amen, Heather in Tucson! I see people who are so happy to be having babies and then - they start saying they have to teach them to sleep, etc. And I agree that they love their babies but just don’t trust themselves. Also that some are still in a selfish child state and don’t want to be inconvenienced by night waking, and the “experts” assure them it’s their right not to be and that they need to take control and make the baby adapt to them rather than the other way around. So the answer to “Why do people use sleep-training, etc.?” includes (1) selfishness, which is certainly supported in our culture, and (2) parents’ listening to experts and following the latest fads rather than trusting themselves to know how to parent.

    I work outside the home (not my ideal situation but my reality), but when I’m not working, I have no desire to be anywhere but near my baby! (Now my 7-year-old is another story! :p But really, he’s just about my constant companion evenings and weekends, too.) I can’t imagine sticking my baby in another room and letting him cry to sleep, or making him wait to eat, or whatever. We do not sling but we hold him lots, pretty much whenever he wants to be held. He is nursed or cuddled or patted to sleep, he is fed when he seems hungry. He slept great in a bassinet or crib for a few months; since he started waking and fussing more, he’s been sleeping w/me. (I’d only tried to avoid that because his big brother likes to crawl in w/me and is a sleep-kicker/hitter/pusher!) I just figure he’s a little person and he can’t speak or go get what he wants, so I try as best I can to figure out what he wants and give it to him.

    Okay, another topic - formula. From what I understand, it was during the industrialization and possibly war years that formula became more prevalent. Now it’s so common that many people forget - it’s imitation breastmilk. Breastmilk is the real thing, the ideal. Formula is a substitute. And judging from the advertising I see, it’s huge business. I got the Enfamil diaper bag, breastfeeding edition (still had the formula inside but also had instructions for storing breastmilk). I got the Enfamil “breastfeeding support kit” - a can of powdered formula and a little breastfeeding booklet in a case. (Enfamil seems to have a monopoly hold on the medical profession.) Okay, that “Why” is obvious - Why is formula promoted? It makes companies a lot more money than breastfeeding! I didn’t have to buy anything to breastfeed, although there are products that can be helpful.

    One big “Why,” which I’ve been asking myself for months, remains. Why do all those experts believe (or say) that babies need to learn to sleep on their own? Do they really believe it? Are they making a fortune promoting it? Well, sure, but couldn’t they make a fortune promoting other methods? Is it just that sleep-training is in and trendy and people will buy it? Or is it trendy because all the books promote it? Which came first, the experts promoting sleep-training, or the parents wanting more books on it? I just don’t know the answer to this.

    Excuse my rambling!

    Julinda
    Ross 9/15/99
    Alex 1/11/06
    Having a baby changes everything.

  5. mamaof5 said,

    November 7, 2006 @ 7:15 pm

    I have wondered that myself. I mean sure it makes them money, but your right if they promoted something else that could make them money too. Of course with the CIO in another room you have a whole other industry too, cribs… but still I can’t see how that would make that big of a deal. I mean you could promote the family bed and encourge HUGE beds.
    Maybe it is just selfishness on the parenst part. I have a friend who is very dear to me. When she had her dd I encourged her to bf and co-sleep. She did niether, part of the reason (and she admitted this to me) was that she didn’t want to be “that tied” to her baby. (This coming from someone who really wanted to have a kid!) fast forward a couple years, her and her dh call it quits and divorce. Now her dd sleeps with her, because mom is lonely. Her dd loves it. But it makes me sad, that when her dd needed it alot as an infant, mom was to selfish to give it to her, but now that she (mom) is lonely in bed, dd gets to sleep with her. SELFISH even in the co-sleeping! GRRR
    Anyway, I guess that is off topic. LOL But I wonder WHY alot!

    Heather in Tucson

  6. Vicky said,

    November 9, 2006 @ 8:41 am

    Have you guys read the book “A World of Babies: Imagined Chidcare Guides for Seven Societies” by Judy DeLoache and Alma Gottlieb? It’s really interesting. The first guide is about the Puritans. Let me tell you, it’s amazing how much American parenting HASN’T changed in 300 years! Modern parents have started stressing independence even earlier than the Puritans did, I think for a couple of reasons: 1. We have formula now, so putting baby on a schedule is no longer a death sentence. 2. Cribs are widely available and affordable. The underlying philosophy is still the same, though.

  7. esterling said,

    November 9, 2006 @ 4:31 pm

    So, I add my “yeah, that’s rights” to everyone else’s comments, and add another that’s in line with one of my personal hobby-horses.

    I think that it has to do in part with the way we are taught throughout our lives to give up our own power to others. “Don’t learn to read by yourself, little kid, because we’ll do that in first grade.” “Did I ask you to think? No, I asked you to do what I told you.” “Yes, I know that you know how to multiply 5×5, but you still need to do the worksheets.” Or, “I know you’ve done these worksheets for three years and still can’t multiply 5×5. Do them some more.” Does any of that sound familiar?

    We give away our power to make informed decisions about politics when we don’t take time to search out alternate forms of information. We give away our power to make informed decisions about our medical care when we walk in to a doctor’s office and do whatever they say. We give away our power to live fullfilled lives when we think that we need a “job” to make a living instead of realizing that what we need is “paying work” which may take any number of forms (including the form of a job). We give away our power to raise our children, too, by believing that we aren’t good enough to do it, that we need experts to tell us everything, and that it’s such a huge job that it would be impossible without the assistance of lots of people who can make all our decisions for us.

    Then, of course, there’s the other side of it, which goes along with what others have said about responsibility and maturity. As a culture we have this idea that kids are to be seen and not heard — or better yet, not seen at all. If parents want to go out to a movie they have to get a babysitter. If they want to go have dinner, a babysitter. If they want to travel… oh, wait, we’ll have to wait until the kids are older to do that. BS!! Sure, take a break and do grown-up only things *sometimes*, but you don’t have to leave the kids behind just to have some fun.

    If you don’t buy into that whole “you can’t do anything with your kids” you can actually travel the world, go to lots of movies, eat out as much as you have money for, whatever, all with your kids in tow. And no, they won’t hate you for it. You’ll be closer for it. You’ll have more similar interests and more shared experiences, and those will go a long way toward helping you weather the teen years. Forget that! All that shared experience will help the teen years be a JOY instead of a trial. How do I know this? I have two teens now, and I count both of them as *friends*.

    But, if you give up your power to raise your kids, make your own decisions and teach them to make their own decisions, then you are also helping to divide and conquer your household. Then you’ll despair for your teens and they’ll hate you, and you’ll spend more money on things to “fix” your kids, and they’ll spend more money on things to piss you off. So, even if the corporations done MEAN to destroy families, they’re not really all that upset about it in the end, since it just means more money for them in the end.

  8. Teens For Cash said,

    September 24, 2007 @ 2:28 pm

    Teens For Cash…

    Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me :)…

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